Top 10 - fly is open

Top ten most polite ways to say your zipper is down

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. (hahahahaha – QUASIMODO!!!!)
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones..
2. Men may be from Mars... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...

I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts

Souff Effrikan Cricket Supporters?

Proteas

Not So Proteas...

Tea please - True story

Hermanus Yacht Club in the Cape is an amazing place. Been around for ages and a wonderful place to sail and socialise.
There are many characters at the club, one of whom is Err! Now Err is an older chap, full of the joys of life and many a quick chirp or retort.

Now picture the scene. Err was in the back of the Galley (kitchen) and an older gent, who also happened to have been the British High Commissioner at some stage, walked up to the counter to place his order.
The chap serving asked what he would like, and he said, in his snooty, stiff upper lipped accent,"I say, may I have some Tea please." With that Err shouted from the back,"Will that be some c-u-n-T, some s-h-i-T or some c-l-i-T!"

Imagine the look on the snooty old guy's face!

Classic script for websites

Copy the data below. Go to any website with pictures on it. Paste this into the address bar at the top, click ‘Go’ and check the cool result!

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin (R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);


Awesome stuff!

Poor Paul

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.
Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wifeHeather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!
She said in an earlierInterview, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out On a relationship like this"
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the Marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an Agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying toget her leg over"
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause."Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the gift that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler.

What to do when your wife is shopping

12 March 2005
Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. Weare therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.

The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

John F. Walker
Store Manager

Afrikaans Translations of Band Names

1. Bananarama - Piesangmargarine
2. Joan Armatrading - Johanna Wapenhandelaar
3. Johnny Rotten & the Sex Pistols - Jannie Vrot en die Pomp Revolwers
4. Iron Maiden - Yster Sussie
5. Ladysmith Black Mambaso - Mevrou Smit se Swart Mambas
6. Four Jacks and a Jill - Vier Latte en 'n Platte
7. Queen - Moffie
8. Frankie goes to Hollywood - Frikkie gaan fliek toe
9. Ace of Base - Baas se Aas
10. Meatloaf - Vleisrol
11. Spice Girls - Aromat Slette
12. Simple Minds - Dofkoppe
13. Hughie Lewis and the news - Louis Luyt in die nuus
14. Mariah Carey - Meraai se Kerrie
15. Smashing Pumpkins - Plategemoerde Pampoene

Broke Bat Mountain...

Bwaaahaaahaaa.

This is such funny shit.